COUNTDOWN AND OUT (2/12)

This is a retooling of a draft I wrote in college that never saw the light of day. I'm pretty proud of this one! I think I gave myself the latitude to do stupid jokes and so I got to have fun writing it

COUNTDOWN AND OUT

Agent Steele, A Secret Agent on a Dangerous Mission

Mona, the woman in the chair

Chief, the Chief of a menacing 3 letter government agency

Lights up on an empty stage, with the exception of a large duffle bag with sticks of dynamite and a large clock on the front. The timer beeps loudly. There are the sounds of fighting, an explosion, perhaps gunshots. Enter Steele, USR, an Ethan Hunt type spy. All business, all action.

MONA (VO)

What are we looking at Steele?

STEELE
Nothing good. It seems that Korolev has left us a little going away present

MONA
I’m assuming it’s not a Maserati?

STEELE
Maybe one day we’ll be so lucky. No it looks to be about eighty pounds of plastic explosives and enough dynamite to bring this whole building down.

MONA
So, a Monday?

STEELE
Laughs

Okay let’s see what we’re working with…

He kneels in front of the bomb, looking it over

This thing is on a hair trigger. Any attempts to move it will cause it to detonate. Both digital and analog timing mechanisms working in tandem to ensure the payload goes off…

MONA
Ummmm, in English please?

STEELE
I need to defuse this bomb

MONA

Ummmm, in German please?

STEELE
Ich muss die Bombe entschärfen

MONA
My God… How long do we have?

STEELE
15 Seconds

MONA
Tuesdays, huh?

STEELE

Pulls out a pair of pliers and a screwdriver

Okay, need to do this veeeeeeery carefully

MONA
STEELE!

STEELE
WHAT!

MONA
Good luck

BEEP

STEELE
Thank you Mona

He returns to the task at hand

MONA
STEELE!

STEELE
WHAT???

MONA
I meant break a leg! Don’t want to jinx it!

BEEP

STEELE
Okay, only thirteen seconds left… strange…

He fiddles with the bomb for a few moments. There are no beeps. He removes a metal plate of some kind. BEEP

Oh wow Mona, this is even more complicated than I thought. We’re looking at a Boyntz-Heisner re-articulating clockwork mechanism. It’s gonna take a lot of elbow grease to get through this in time… and we’ve only got twelve seconds left!

BEEP

Eleven!

MONA
What’s going on down there Steele?

STEELE
Nothing good, this bomb is set to blow and I’m not sure if I have the skills to disarm it…

MONA
Well you’d better get on it Steele… the Prime Minister just arrived

BEEP

STEELE
What?

MONA
You’ve gotta disarm that bomb or else there will be an international incident

STEELE
Only 10 seconds left. I don’t… know if I….

MONA
Steele??

STEELE
Sorry still here… it’s just that the timer is still at 10 seconds

MONA
What?

STEELE
The timer is still at 10 seconds. It didn’t tick down.

MONA
Well that’s good because-

STEELE
-Because?

MONA
Because a 2nd Grade Field Trip just pulled up! Classic Wednesday

BEEP

STEELE
Aha! There! We’re down to 9!

MONA
Hm?

STEELE
The timer only goes down if something dramatic is revealed. The bomb is linked to the stakes of the situation!

MONA

Ummmm, in Dutch please?

STELE
De bom telt af als er iets dramatisch gebeurt!

MONA
Ummmm, in a tone only audible to dogs please?

STEELE
Opens his mouth and screams the information silently

MONA
My god… I always hated Thursdays

STEELE
So as long as we keep from saying anything dramatic we’ll be fine. This is a cakewalk. Wish me luck Monda

MONA
Good luck Steele… and… I love you!

BEEP

STEELE

Damnit Mona! What did I just say! Eight seconds left!

MONA
I’m sorry it just seemed like the right moment!

STEELE
In what world Mona! In what world!

MONA
Okay gosh no need to scream at me. TGIF to me I guess

STEELE
Okay okay, I’m sorry. Just under a lot of pressure here because of the bomb that’s about to go off in my face killing me, a Prime Minister and a 2nd Grade Field Trip

MONA
And a petting zoo

BEEP

STEELE
Alright, Mona, maybe we just maintain radio silence for a bit, alright?

MONA

Okay fine… I can’t believe you’d yell at us like that.

Steele continued defusing the bomb pointedly ignoring the earpiece

I said I can’t believe you’d yell at us like that

Continues to work

I said-

STEELE
Mona, seriously this is very high pressure! So what do you want to say? That you’re pregnant?

BEEP

That the one fiery night of passion we shared on assignment in Rio has brought a child into this world?

BEEP

That now I need to debate my devotion to keeping the world safe and cope with the microcosm that the world now includes our unborn child???

BEEP

MONA
Woahhhh buddy, no hold your horses. Rufus is here and he wanted to say hi. He heard you doing the dog thing before

STEELE
Oh… Hi Rufus. Who’s a good boy?

MONA

Putting on a dog voice

Hewwo Agent Steele! I’m a good boy! And I wuv you!

BEEP

STEEL
To the bomb

IT’S A DOG! THAT SHOULDN’T COUNT! Three Seconds left!

MONA
Oh gosh oh gosh, Agent Steele I know this is a bad time but… the Chief is calling

BEEP

STEELE
The Chief? Christ on a bike, fine, patch him through

CHIEF
STEEL! Just what the hell are you doing down-

STEELE

Chief listen, I need you to stop talking. We have a bomb here that only ticks with dramatic reveals. We’re looking at an incredibly delicate situation where every raising of the stakes exacerbates the issue. Luckily we have two seconds left

BEEP

Oh of course. Only one second left. If we get one more dramatic reveal everyone is dead. One more twist and that’s kablooey. Am I making myself clear? So Chief, Chief I am begging you, please have faith in my ability to defuse this bomb and let me save the Prime Minister, 2nd Graders, various small animals, and myself

MONA
Oh and-

STEELE

-AND whoever is now in danger that was not specified previously thank you Mona.

CHIEF
You know what, I would usually tan the hide of any upstart young buck that dared talk to me that way… But DAMNIT! You’re on a mission. You’ve got lives in your hands and you’re putting it all on the line… You’re a damn fine Agent, Steele.

STEELE
Thank you sir

CHIEF

I’m so damn proud of you… Son.

BEEP, EXPLOSION, BLACKOUT

Fin,

A sketch by Sean Cheney