I Get the (Moirolo)Gist (2/8)

I wrote a sketch! I miss sketch writing a lot, I miss my fellow Scientists, and I miss writing something I think is funny and being told by peers who I love and respect that I was mistaken.

 

I GET THE (MOIROLO)GIST

Savannah, a friend of the deceased

Mark, a friend of the deceased

Moira, the mother of the deceased

Jane, a contracted worker

Lights up on a funeral parlor, they face the audience, the casket somewhere on the other side of the fourth wall. A small area DSR is used as the pulpit. Everyone looks mournful. Jane enters and joins the procession at the back.

MOURNER

We’re gonna miss you Todd

MARK
It’s not going to be the same without you. See you on the other side.

SAVANNAH

I’ll miss you so much buddy… I love you

JANE

Taking center stage and speaking slightly too loudly

Todd we’re gonna miss you so much! Nobody was as funny as you or as cool! We’ll miss you Todd! The world won’t be the same without you in it! The world is worse!

She wails loudly. After a long wail, she stops suddenly and turns back to the rear. Mark and Savannah watch her leave

MARK

That was weird

SAVANNAH
Yeah, I guess Todd had some people who really miss him. I just can’t believe he’s gone.

MARK

Laying a hand on Savannah’s shoulder

I know. It’s like there’s a hole in my chest now

Jane approaches the front again, now with a scarf and a hat. She plants herself center

JANE
You’re dead! Me and the many women you’ve pleased will be so lonely without you! The women, numbering in the low hundreds, will forever mourn you!

Ditto of before. Gut-wrenching wail, immediately cut off and she returns to the loop

SAVANNAH
That was/

MARK

/the same woman? But she had a scarf on though

SAVANNAH

“Though”? That was clearly the exact same woman. Look, she’s getting changed now

Jane is disposing of the scarf, now throwing on an elegant fur coat and a flapper’s headband. She struts with purpose back to the front, shoving other mourners out of the way

JANE

In a Mid-Atlantic accent

Gotta say Todd, as a lovuh you were the bees knees! You were hot to trot, and now you’re sleepin with the fishes see?

Ditto

SAVANNAH

Okay this is weird

MARK
Yeah I had no idea Todd had so many lovers. Or had a time machine

SAVANNAH

Mark that’s the same woman again

MARK
Hm you may be on to something…

Jane returns to the front, now with a paper bag puppet

JANE
Me and my husband will miss you so much Tom

SAVANNAH
Todd

JANE
Him too! We remember well the many sexual congresses we engaged in. We managed a twah many a time

As the bag

You were the best sex I ever had!

Wails, first as the bag, then as herself. Savannah rises and intercepts her

SAVANNAH
Hey, how are you?

JANE
Sooooo sad man. I’m soooo sad because Tim

SAVANNAH
Todd

JANE
Todd, yes, had the

Louder

Biggest dick I’ve ever seen!

SAVANNAH
Yeah what the hell’s going on here man

JANE
Can we Sorkin this? I’ve got a trash bag of costumes I gotta make my way through.

She leaves to go USL, where there is a black garbage bag. Savannah urges Mark to rise and they tail Jane to the back

MARK
Hey where’d your husband go? He seemed chill

SAVANNAH
Mark, I love you so much

MARK
I love you too Savannah

SAVANNAH
I need you to stop talking

MARK
Noted!

SAVANNAH
What’s going on here?

JANE
Who should mourn next?

She raises two costumes

Southern Belle or Pirate?

SAVANNAH/MARK

Not an answer/Pirate

JANE
I’m working

SAVANNAH
Working?

JANE
Yeah people sometimes hire professional mourners

MARK
Wow you’re a pro?

JANE
Sorta, this is my first gig

SAVANNAH
You don’t say

JANE
Yeah so if you have any pointers, I’d appreciate it

She swaggers to the front in an eyepatch.

Todd, me hearty, I be missin’ ye and yer booty!

She walks back, looking for reviews

So?

MARK

You shoulda said “Arrr!”

SAVANNAH
Stop talking about sex!

JANE
How do you mean?

MARK
Like how a pirate does!

SAVANNAH

I mean that everytime you go up there you start screaming about how good Todd was in the sack

JANE
Yeah that’s what he got in the Premium Plan

SAVANNAH
The Premium Plan?

JANE
Yeah, $45

MARK
That seems cheap for all the effort you’ve put in

JANE
Oh yeah no the costumes are all me. That’s the Jane Difference

She winks and gives a thumbs up

SAVANNAH
I’m sorry? So all the ridiculous costumes and the voices-

JANE
All me baby! Is it working? Will you give a good review?

SAVANNAH
I didn’t even know your service existed before today!

JANE

And now you do! That’s the-

MARK/JANE
The Jane Difference!

They both wink and give a thumbs up

SAVANNAH
Listen, I appreciate what you’re doing for my friend, though the reasons for it are beyond me. But maybe we can tone down the sex talk with Todd?

JANE
Okayyyyy, but he’s not gonna get a refund for services not rendered

SAVANNAH
I don’t think he’d use the money

JANE
Why?

MARK
Because Todd’s dead

JANE
OH! That makes so much sense why he’s been totally ghosting me. Oh speaking of

She pulls out a sheet and rattling chains

Is this in poor taste? I was gonna try and do a joke on “le petit mort”?

MARK
Terrific

SAVANNAH
Still about sex! His mom is here dude, that seems awfully disrespectful

JANE
So the costume where I dress up like him as though he’s seeing himself in the grave in a Christmas Carol situation?

SAVANNAH
Maybe a bridge too far

JANE
Well there goes my finale.

SAVANNAH

Please, I support you getting your bag

MARK
Women in STEM!

SAVANNAH
But I would please ask that you use some tact going forward, okay?

JANE
Sure thing… Yeah I was carried away…

She walks back to the front, head low, really considering her words. Savannah and Mark take their seats at the front.

Oh Todd, you had the biggest hog I’ve ever seen

She turns back to Savannah and Mark, who are on the edge of their seats. She turns timidly back to the casket

But your… your heart was bigger!

She turns back to Savannah and Mark who are beaming and giving her a thumbs up

The Jane Difference

Fin

A Sketch By Sean Cheney